More Dreams

We've been DTV 4 months as of the 1st now. It has gone pretty fast until the last two weeks when I've been doubting we'll be able to hold her within a year if the country closes. Here are my latest finds for Liv - from the monthly 25 cent sale at a local children's consignment shop:

Some cute, Asian looking pants

Last night the three of us and my mom went out to Pho to celebrate Tet, the Vietnamese new year festival that begins on Feb 7th this year. Koen sure likes the noodles. It was good. Maybe I'll try making some myself on the 7th.

God encouraged me through the sermon at church this morning. The topic was dreaming, taken from Nehemiah. This seems to be a theme the Lord has for me lately : to dream big and let myself be used by God. Here's one quote by Pastor Paul: "The problem (with the world) that infuriates you the most is often the problem that God has assigned you to solve." And "Those who unlock your compassion are those God has called you to serve."

Even during the worship this morning, before the sermon I was thinking of those children in my last blog, that have no hope of adoption, and tearing up for them. God has definitely given me compassion for them and orphans like them, and I know he is guiding me to do something with this feeling. As I was listening, I was trying to figure out how practically, we can serve them, and I start imagining us moving to Vietnam, living in a shack somewhere next door to an orphanage. I imagine us setting up a house to take orphans in after they have graduated out of the orphanage, but before they have somewhere to go next. I imagine visiting the orphanage daily and just loving those kids, hoping that one day they will accept the love of Christ, share it with others, and begin to change the culture there into a culture that cares for orphans.

Or, maybe it's a little more practical to do that here in our own country and be a foster parent. Both ideas excite me, but seem to big for me.

Because I lived in Russia for a year as a missionary, I have counted the cost and I know it is hard to leave home, family, the comforts of America.... I enjoy all those now, but have felt no more satisfied in my core now that I have them again. I think the spiritual desert I have experienced since returning 7 years ago, is preparing me to sacrifice these things once again.

Forgive me for using this as a journal to work through these thoughts. I don't know if this is what God is calling us to do, or even if it is possible, but this is some of the thoughts I'm having and I wanted to write them down.

Pastor Paul finished the sermon with a surprising first step in the direction of our dreams: "Wait." We can't jump ahead of His timing to complete these dreams. He is preparing us now.

So, I guess we will wait and pray, and continue to cry over the situation many orphans around the world live in. I'd love to hear if you have any practical suggestions for how we could apply this passion He's given us. Any ministries you know of that we could serve with.... Or any similar thoughts you share.

Thanks.

*Will My Child Feel Different?

This weekend Keith, Koen and I went to a Phó Vietnamese restaurant for lunch. It was good and Koen really enjoyed it – especially playing with the chopsticks.

I have been thinking more deep thoughts about adoptions, and feeling a little more scared. A book on adoption is helping me think through some of the difficulties.

I think it will be hard enough for me, as the adoptive mom, to not know about my child’s birth family, or the circumstances surrounding her birth. I can’t imagine how hard that will be on our child – and how “different” that may make her feel at times – maybe lost or without an identity as well. And to have NO way to find out the truth, would probably be frustrating.

I think I’m also becoming a little more aware of how hard it will be on our child to look different from the rest of the family. Everyone will know that she is adopted – it will be obvious when you look at a picture of us or meet us in the grocery store. And some people may say rude things, even unknowingly. I pray that we can instill a confidence in our child, and a value of her beauty that makes her feel comfortable in her skin.

I have never thought it would be hard for me to treat my children the same – birth/adoptive…. But I’ve read some blogs of mothers who looked at their adopted child/ren and saw adoption – knowing and accepting the child as theirs, but still also dwelling on the process they went through. I don’t know if that is bad or not, but it does make it different.

One blogger mentioned her adopted child’s night terrors, and the thought that maybe the child was remembering or reliving something traumatic in their past, that she would never know about or understand, or maybe the child missed home – where they came from. I think it will be a process to not think that whatever sadness or misbehavior a child exhibits is because they are adopted. All children go through stages and hard times, and we can’t assume that it is because they were adopted, but I am sure it is a fear for adoptive parents.

This book also raised a little fear in me that our agency might be corrupt. I don’t think they are – obviously, or we wouldn’t be putting our trust in them – but maybe I would have felt better if we had moved forward more cautiously and talked with more references. I read about people convincing women to give them their babies for money, and then adopting them to rich Americans and making a profit – selling babies. It is weird that it costs so much. I’m not sure how I feel about that.

Keith still imagines twin girls. I don’t, but might be up for it. I’m probably so naïve to write that. I don’t know how we could afford to pay for 2 at once too. And I’m afraid of having 3 kids so close in age – not only for financial reasons, but also because we would be empty-nesters so quickly. I want to extend the joy over time.