*A Little Sad Tonight

As I tried to fall asleep last night I realized that Koen will likely turn 3 before he has a sibling. That was never in our plan. You know how you have a vision of your perfect family, and you know about how far apart you want your children? My vision had them less than 2 years apart. 3 just sounds so old! And, all of Koen's friends have siblings or siblings on the way. It makes me sad for him, but mostly for me.

I guess I had my hopes up that Vietnam could open by 2009, and we could get a referral soon after, and travel in the spring. But, the reality is probably that even if it does open by 2009, we are still way back on the waiting list, and even once we get a referral, it is still several months to wait before traveling to get her.

This stinks Lord! Please move, and open those doors. Give those children forever families. Give one of them to us, please.

I can write about this now, as I am about a month removed. I mentioned some hard times we went through last month. On top of my Mom's cancer, my sister's anorexia battles, and a disappointment in a ministry trip we were looking forward to that fell through, I experienced something I don't think I should have had to experience.

Last September 26th, a Friday, after an evening out with friends, we came home and took a pregnancy test. We were not trying to get pregnant, and were pretty darn faithful in preventing pregnancy, but my period was several days late. During those late days, I found myself beginning to imagine that I was pregnant, and I liked the idea more than I expected to. I put off taking the test, for fear of disappointment. But, I finally felt like we needed to know, and took the test. It read a faint positive. Keith was quite excited, but I was hesitant to rejoice. I needed more proof. I sent Keith to the store to buy another test at 11 pm. This test also read a faint positive, but the instructions said even a faint positive, was a positive indeed.

This was a miracle baby! We weren't trying for it, but God's ways were higher than ours and this was how He was giving us our second child.

I journalled a prayer that night, still hesitant to believe what was happening, and beginning to mourn the change of plans. Would this affect our adoption? Was this why our ministry trip fell through? Was this why we haven't received a referral yet? And fear crept in. I hadn't planned to have another pregnancy now, perhaps ever. Would it be a girl? She wouldn't be Asian, like my vision? Would this be Liv? Could we still adopt Liv down the road? Would this baby be healthy? With adoption, you kind of know what you're getting health-wise. I wasn't sure how I felt about the risk this would be.

But, I prayed about the pregnancy, we prayed about the health of this life in me. We prayed for our adoption, like usual.......

The next day I really began to embrace this pregnancy idea. I got excited. I watched what I ate, and took my vitamins. I drank more water...... I went on babycenter.com, and found my due date would probably be May 30th. Sounded like a perfect day to have a baby. That night we even told our best family friends that we were expecting, and they rejoiced with us.

Sunday morning came and just before heading off to church, I found a light pink spot when I went to the bathroom. Fear again! I mentioned it to Keith, and we rushed off to try to be on time to church. I was distracted, but refused to believe that God would allow anything to be wrong with this "miracle baby."

When we got home, I checked and the blood was undeniable. I checked the internet. I called the on-call doctor, who happened to be my OB. She assured me this was normal. A couple hours later the blood flow was worse. I called again. She sounded a little more concerned and told me to go to the lab in the morning for a blood test. Keith lost hope. I couldn't yet. This was a "miracle baby".

The next morning, I took my blood test. While on a walk with Koen, on a beautiful sunny day, the doctor called to say my hormone levels were so low, that I likely had miscarried a while ago. While she told me this I saw a snake slither away quickly from the forest path we were on (I'm only sharing this because I wonder if it is significant - I never see snakes around here). I wasn't afraid of the snake, like I would have expected. I was numb. I don't think I had totally embraced the pregnancy, and the day of bleeding had already warned me this news was coming. We went on to the park as planned, and Koen gave me a hug.

We let a few people know, and asked for prayer. I cried and prayed, and cried some more. We went on, but the constant bleeding wouldn't let me forget, and I was scared of what I would see come out of me. Was that the baby?

I have faith in God, and that's why this hurts all the more. I believed He would protect this child that He gave us. This wasn't out of our efforts, or plan. This was His. Then after the bad news, I believed that even a miracle baby could survive all this bleeding. My God is big enough. But is He good enough? What a horrible thing to ask. He is good!

Why would he want to add a miscarriage to all the trauma of the last month? If I had waited even another day to take a test, it would have read negative. If I had waited two days, I would have thought it was just a late period, and I wouldn't have had to experience this loss.

Did this make me realize I do want to be pregnant again? No. I don't think this has lead us in any way. If God wasn't using this to guide us, what was it for? That's the problem. I have no idea. I get frantic every now and then to have our second child (like now!). We could have started trying on our own a long time ago, but we believe that God wants us to wait and stick with the adoption road we are on. We have prayed and prayed and He hasn't given me peace about any other option.

A friend, who was also due in May, found out she lost her baby this week. She was entering her 2nd trimester, and likely miscarried several weeks back. When I did the math, I realized we lost our babies at about the same time. I now know a little about what she is going through. I am praying for you, friend, if you read this.

The Lord brought me through last month with the encouragement and prayers of friends and family, and some of His promises, most notably:

"The LORD your God is with you. He is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, He will quiet you with His love, He will rejoice over you with singing." -Zephaniah 3:17

More bad news has come in the last week. We continue down this path. Lord, please change things. I don't know how much more I can bear.

Sorry for the downer post. I know miscarriages happen all the time, but the pain is real.

*More Corruption

Today is not such a normal day, or even a good day. Today I feel discouraged. When I wake up thinking about my future children, I know it will be a day that I struggle.

We live in such a corrupt world. Adoption is a beautiful thing, and yet people know how to turn good into evil. I just read here that several people were arrested in Nam Dinh this month for issuing fake birth certificates of some 300 babies there, and then adopting them internationally. This essentially means that children were likely taken from their birth parents, and sold to innocent adoptive families internationally. This is a province where our agency works, and now I am wondering if the babies that were adopted by those on the list before us were these children (see later post - I learned that our agency does not receive referrals from the 2 medical clinics under investigation).

Thankfully, the Vietnamese police have arrested the suspects. This is a good sign that Vietnam is serious about cleaning up the system.

Please pray for Vietnam, pray for the children, and for the families that gave them up. Pray for the families that long for them. Pray that God would guide us on our adoption journey. Thank you.
The orphanage in Nam Dinh where our agency works. Babies sleep in hammocks.

*I Get to Do Something Again!

Today we got an email from our agency asking all of the Vietnam waiting families to write a letter to the Ministry of Justice in Vietnam, requesting them to complete the adoptions of all who have their dossier submitted before July 1st. Our director is heading to Vietnam this weekend to meet with DIA officials to advocate for the continuation of Vietnam/US adoptions, and will take the letters with him.

I quickly typed up a letter and got it in the mail within an hour. It was nice to get to DO something again that might make a difference. Please pray this is an effective effort.

I've struggled with being sad every few days or so again. I feel like we're waiting in so many areas of our lives. I picked up "Successful Adoption, A Guide for Christian Families" by Natalie Nichols Gillespie and found a chapter on waiting. "Do not waste your wait time complaining about what you do not yet have, but instead make it your goal to ask God, 'Lord, what would you have me do during this wait time to draw me closer to you, to my spouse, and to the people you have placed in my life?' Ask Him do help you get the focus off yourself and onto the work He would have you do in the meantime."

I do want to make the most of this time. I know He has a purpose for it. I want to be a great Mom to Koen during the wait. I want to spend quality time with the Lord and grow closer to Him. I want to do the same with Keith. I want to devote myself to some kind of service to orphans while I wait. I want to spend time with my elderly Grammi, and the rest of my family, as well as do some traveling to visit friends and family that live further away. Maybe I will train and attempt a triathlon this summer- something I've always wanted to do. There are a lot of things I know I can do to keep myself busy and make this time purposeful. But, there is an emptiness in me, and I know I can't just fill it with busyness.

I turn 30 in 6 days. At 30 aren't you supposed to have life figured out? Have a plan? Know what God's calling for your life is? I am learning that my deadlines are not God's deadlines.

Baby Sinh

After our first meeting with our agency, I sent an email to the director to thank him for his time. He sent a reply and asked for prayers for a little baby girl named Sinh that was being flown to Singapore (if I remember correctly) for heart surgery (she has a large hole in her enlarged heart). I let him know I would pray. This was back in May.

Last month I found another blogger going through our agency that was more familiar with Sinh's story, and reminded me to pray. Apparently back in May, they were trying to find an American doctor who would perform the risky surgery. After several months, they could not. And during this time her heart was deteriorating. She would die without the surgery, and she would also likely die with it. I contacted my agency to find out more info, and they told me that because no American doctors would do the surgery, she would get it in Vietnam.

Just today I read on the other person's blog that the Vietnamese doctors also decided that she wouldn't make it through the surgery. She said that Baby Sinh (her name means "life") is not going to make it. "She is left to live out her remaining days with good care."
Baby Sinh in the Singapore hospital. She is often too tired to even smile.

Baby Sinh
As I read I was suprised at how sad I felt, hopeless. It is heartbreaking that this little girl never knew the love of a mother. Thankfully she does have a nanny or two that spends consistent time with her, and I'm sure love her, and our agency has done their best to help save her. But, it's sad when all their work, the love of the nannies, and the prayer of many don't bring her a better life.

As far as I know, Sinh is still alive, and it's not too late to pray. Maybe God does have a miracle in store. If you read this, please pray a quick prayer for Sinh's healing - on earth or in Heaven. Thanks.