*Done with Phase 1!

Today I dropped our last pieces of paperwork in the mail. We were waiting for my medical appointment, which was on Wednesday. Today we got our medical forms signed and notarized, and we are done! It's good to be done, but it only means the rest is out of our hands.

I talked with our agency this week and was discouraged to learn more about the process. We really did enter this blindly. The most discouraging news is that we will likely wait 6-9 months to travel once we are matched with a child. Can I just say TORTURE!!! My little girl will be that much longer without me. I had my mind prepared for 3-4 months like with Vietnam, but this is double that wait. I'm not sure why it takes so long - is it just because the CCAA is understaffed? Or is there some kind of paperwork happening during that time?

Our agency also said that it is up to us as to when we want to start looking for a match. They recommended we wait a couple months after our paperwork goes to China, as this will likely decrease the time that we have to wait to travel (the torturous part of the wait), but still keep out total wait about the same. I'm not sure I understood, but I will research and trust their judgment.

In the meantime, we pray hard for Mei Mei, and trust the Lord to watch over her and bring us together. We also trust the Lord to provide the funds we will need to pay in the next couple weeks when our dossier goes to China.

*Another Christmas....

I was just wallowing in adoption self-pity when I decided to blog. Entering our blog and finding my last post titled "Thankful" makes me feel even more guilty for my attitude. I want to be more optimistic and hopeful.

Last year at Christmas time, we hoped and prayed and dreamt of having Liv home by this Christmas, or at least seeing her face by this Christmas. I had planned to make her stocking some time this year - it would be red. I have the material, but it can wait another year.

Lord, we are tired of this wait. Please fill us with hope. Please guide our steps, and bring our child home soon. Please guide us to her. Please protect her and comfort her - surround her with love. Prepare us for each other.

*A Little Sad Tonight

As I tried to fall asleep last night I realized that Koen will likely turn 3 before he has a sibling. That was never in our plan. You know how you have a vision of your perfect family, and you know about how far apart you want your children? My vision had them less than 2 years apart. 3 just sounds so old! And, all of Koen's friends have siblings or siblings on the way. It makes me sad for him, but mostly for me.

I guess I had my hopes up that Vietnam could open by 2009, and we could get a referral soon after, and travel in the spring. But, the reality is probably that even if it does open by 2009, we are still way back on the waiting list, and even once we get a referral, it is still several months to wait before traveling to get her.

This stinks Lord! Please move, and open those doors. Give those children forever families. Give one of them to us, please.

I can write about this now, as I am about a month removed. I mentioned some hard times we went through last month. On top of my Mom's cancer, my sister's anorexia battles, and a disappointment in a ministry trip we were looking forward to that fell through, I experienced something I don't think I should have had to experience.

Last September 26th, a Friday, after an evening out with friends, we came home and took a pregnancy test. We were not trying to get pregnant, and were pretty darn faithful in preventing pregnancy, but my period was several days late. During those late days, I found myself beginning to imagine that I was pregnant, and I liked the idea more than I expected to. I put off taking the test, for fear of disappointment. But, I finally felt like we needed to know, and took the test. It read a faint positive. Keith was quite excited, but I was hesitant to rejoice. I needed more proof. I sent Keith to the store to buy another test at 11 pm. This test also read a faint positive, but the instructions said even a faint positive, was a positive indeed.

This was a miracle baby! We weren't trying for it, but God's ways were higher than ours and this was how He was giving us our second child.

I journalled a prayer that night, still hesitant to believe what was happening, and beginning to mourn the change of plans. Would this affect our adoption? Was this why our ministry trip fell through? Was this why we haven't received a referral yet? And fear crept in. I hadn't planned to have another pregnancy now, perhaps ever. Would it be a girl? She wouldn't be Asian, like my vision? Would this be Liv? Could we still adopt Liv down the road? Would this baby be healthy? With adoption, you kind of know what you're getting health-wise. I wasn't sure how I felt about the risk this would be.

But, I prayed about the pregnancy, we prayed about the health of this life in me. We prayed for our adoption, like usual.......

The next day I really began to embrace this pregnancy idea. I got excited. I watched what I ate, and took my vitamins. I drank more water...... I went on babycenter.com, and found my due date would probably be May 30th. Sounded like a perfect day to have a baby. That night we even told our best family friends that we were expecting, and they rejoiced with us.

Sunday morning came and just before heading off to church, I found a light pink spot when I went to the bathroom. Fear again! I mentioned it to Keith, and we rushed off to try to be on time to church. I was distracted, but refused to believe that God would allow anything to be wrong with this "miracle baby."

When we got home, I checked and the blood was undeniable. I checked the internet. I called the on-call doctor, who happened to be my OB. She assured me this was normal. A couple hours later the blood flow was worse. I called again. She sounded a little more concerned and told me to go to the lab in the morning for a blood test. Keith lost hope. I couldn't yet. This was a "miracle baby".

The next morning, I took my blood test. While on a walk with Koen, on a beautiful sunny day, the doctor called to say my hormone levels were so low, that I likely had miscarried a while ago. While she told me this I saw a snake slither away quickly from the forest path we were on (I'm only sharing this because I wonder if it is significant - I never see snakes around here). I wasn't afraid of the snake, like I would have expected. I was numb. I don't think I had totally embraced the pregnancy, and the day of bleeding had already warned me this news was coming. We went on to the park as planned, and Koen gave me a hug.

We let a few people know, and asked for prayer. I cried and prayed, and cried some more. We went on, but the constant bleeding wouldn't let me forget, and I was scared of what I would see come out of me. Was that the baby?

I have faith in God, and that's why this hurts all the more. I believed He would protect this child that He gave us. This wasn't out of our efforts, or plan. This was His. Then after the bad news, I believed that even a miracle baby could survive all this bleeding. My God is big enough. But is He good enough? What a horrible thing to ask. He is good!

Why would he want to add a miscarriage to all the trauma of the last month? If I had waited even another day to take a test, it would have read negative. If I had waited two days, I would have thought it was just a late period, and I wouldn't have had to experience this loss.

Did this make me realize I do want to be pregnant again? No. I don't think this has lead us in any way. If God wasn't using this to guide us, what was it for? That's the problem. I have no idea. I get frantic every now and then to have our second child (like now!). We could have started trying on our own a long time ago, but we believe that God wants us to wait and stick with the adoption road we are on. We have prayed and prayed and He hasn't given me peace about any other option.

A friend, who was also due in May, found out she lost her baby this week. She was entering her 2nd trimester, and likely miscarried several weeks back. When I did the math, I realized we lost our babies at about the same time. I now know a little about what she is going through. I am praying for you, friend, if you read this.

The Lord brought me through last month with the encouragement and prayers of friends and family, and some of His promises, most notably:

"The LORD your God is with you. He is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, He will quiet you with His love, He will rejoice over you with singing." -Zephaniah 3:17

More bad news has come in the last week. We continue down this path. Lord, please change things. I don't know how much more I can bear.

Sorry for the downer post. I know miscarriages happen all the time, but the pain is real.

*JCICS Update

Our agency sent out an update today that included posting from JCICS. It sounds like negotiations between the US and Vietnam regarding adoptions are happening this month. Here's a quotation:

"Joint Council continues to view the suspension of intercountry adoption between the United States and Vietnam as a tragedy for children and for the families willing to provide a loving home for them. We remain confident that an interim MOA is achievable. Joint Council reiterates that considerable steps have been taken by both the Vietnamese and the United States governments toward this end. "

I am still much more antsy during this stage of the wait than I have been before. My heart is longing to hold my next child, and it is hard to not know when I will. But, I am thankful that some progress is being made in the negotiations, and I still hold hope that we will adopt from Vietnam.

The Longings of a Mother

Today is one of those days where I just long for Liv. I woke up thinking of her, and haven't been able to forget.

There have been many times lately where I wonder if we will always be a family of 3. I have started to picture Koen as an only child. Not that this would be bad, but it is not what I desire or have imagined for my family. My heart wants to mother more children - especially those who have been abandoned by their birth family.

Why are there so many orphans in the world longing for a mommy, while a mommy sits in her cozy little home in WA state longing to love them? Why is it so hard to get to them? I am tired of learning whatever God has for me to learn during this wait.

I believe my desire is from the Lord, so we continue to wait for our adoption to be completed. We pray daily for Vietnam to reopen. We pray that God will guide us to our children, wherever they are.

Would the Lord give me this desire and then have it go unmet?

I need to feel like we are making progress, yet no news comes.

Just talked with my Mom, and the cancer has spread to the lymph nodes in her neck. She will have surgery again next week and then start radiation soon after. I thought we were through the worst of this, but apparently not.

Lord, we need good news. Please bring it quickly.

*What a Difference a Year Hasn't Made

That's a downer of a title, isn't it?

Today is ONE YEAR since our Dossier went to Vietnam and we started our official wait for Liv. We are in a far different place than we thought we would be a year ago. We've only made it about half way up the waiting list, and now, of course, adoptions have come to a halt. We are unsure if Liv is even Liv (Love in Vietnam), or if she is somewhere else.

We have made a few minor efforts this last month to pursue other routes, but the Lord has not allowed us to move forward, and had not guided elsewhere. So, as long as we continue to seek Him and do not hear from Him, we must stay put.

We had another very discouraging thing happen this last weekend, which we will share with you down the road. Our hearts hurt and we wonder what God is doing. I like to make sense of things that happen, but I suppose my mind is too finite for our omniscient, omnipotent God.

What does one do to mark this anniversary? I blog.

I am asking the Lord to make this month, October, a better month for us - to bring good news, and hope.

* Is This Faith?

I am trying not to think about our adoption much. I am pretty much in denial that within a little over a week, Vietnam/US adoptions will come to a halt. We still have hope that a new agreement can be signed soon, and adoptions would reopen, but there is nothing factual about that hope, and the last time Vietnam closed, it was for quite some time.

I feel ready for our family to grow, but have no peace about trying for a second child the more traditional way. We had no problem getting pregnant with Koen, and I had an amazingly easy pregnancy. But, we believe God has called us to adoption, and we don't want to bring another biological child into our family unless that is God's plan. It is, honestly, hard though to not take matters into our own hands as this wait drags on.

*10 Months

We are 10 months DTV today (actually since it is past midnight, it is the 2nd, so we are 10 months, one day.) When we started our wait, our agency predicted we would receive a referral in 10-13 months. So, we're in that window, only now it is closer to 15 months. I won't be jumping up when the phone rings just yet.

I found a new blog today, and cried as I read through the story of their little girl, Audrey Caroline. The blogger is an moving writer, and has amazing faith and heart. It is a heartbreaking story of a trial different than the wait we are going through now.

*I Get to Do Something Again!

Today we got an email from our agency asking all of the Vietnam waiting families to write a letter to the Ministry of Justice in Vietnam, requesting them to complete the adoptions of all who have their dossier submitted before July 1st. Our director is heading to Vietnam this weekend to meet with DIA officials to advocate for the continuation of Vietnam/US adoptions, and will take the letters with him.

I quickly typed up a letter and got it in the mail within an hour. It was nice to get to DO something again that might make a difference. Please pray this is an effective effort.

I've struggled with being sad every few days or so again. I feel like we're waiting in so many areas of our lives. I picked up "Successful Adoption, A Guide for Christian Families" by Natalie Nichols Gillespie and found a chapter on waiting. "Do not waste your wait time complaining about what you do not yet have, but instead make it your goal to ask God, 'Lord, what would you have me do during this wait time to draw me closer to you, to my spouse, and to the people you have placed in my life?' Ask Him do help you get the focus off yourself and onto the work He would have you do in the meantime."

I do want to make the most of this time. I know He has a purpose for it. I want to be a great Mom to Koen during the wait. I want to spend quality time with the Lord and grow closer to Him. I want to do the same with Keith. I want to devote myself to some kind of service to orphans while I wait. I want to spend time with my elderly Grammi, and the rest of my family, as well as do some traveling to visit friends and family that live further away. Maybe I will train and attempt a triathlon this summer- something I've always wanted to do. There are a lot of things I know I can do to keep myself busy and make this time purposeful. But, there is an emptiness in me, and I know I can't just fill it with busyness.

I turn 30 in 6 days. At 30 aren't you supposed to have life figured out? Have a plan? Know what God's calling for your life is? I am learning that my deadlines are not God's deadlines.

*8 Months

It's another adoption anniversary today. It has been exactly 8 months today since we were DTV (dossier to Vietnam), and put on our agency's waiting list. We were told to expect 10-13 months wait when we started. It's all up in the air now, but we do have some hope that we will get a referral this fall. Please join the Child's Right Campaign and help make this possible.

Last time Vietnam closed it took 2 years to negotiate a new agreement and reopen US/Vietnam adoptions. We can't let that happen again! Too many orphans needs homes and families need children!

We are getting closer!

*6 Months Down

As of yesterday, April 1st, we have been DTV (dossier to Vietnam) 6 months. We've been in the adoption process for more than 11 months. Most people have babies in their arms by now. Or, I should at least by in my third trimester by now, but we likely many many more months to go before we'll get to hold our child. It's getting a little harder, but I am so thankful the Lord has made the wait bearable so far.

I heard through the grape vine that our agency received 3 referrals recently, but they all tested positive HIV. I know that is a reality, but it is truly a terrible one. They will be retested in a couple months, and if it is positive again, they are destined to grow and die in the orphanage system. I hurt for that child, an innocent baby who has a deadly disease and will likely be shunned and forgotten because of her parents actions.

It got us talking though, and we're realizing we know very little about how HIV can work in a newborn baby who gets it from his or her parents. If a newborn tests positive and then tests negative at 3 months, is she essentially a healthy baby with no risk of the virus remaining in her body? How does that original presence of the virus affect her?

Today we went to the zoo with our neighbors who are on spring break. I thought Koen would enjoy it more than he did. He is definitely wanting to do more things independently, and did not like having to be in his stroller, and would not cooperate well when out of his stroller. He enjoyed seeing some of the animals he could see well, but many were far away and not moving so I don't think he even saw them. We'll have to go back soon though, because I bought us a membership!Koen (in front) with his buddies

*Is No News Good News?

Sorry about the long break in blogging. I think it's easier to wait when I don't have to type that there's been "no news" daily. Well, here it is: there's been no adoption news. I am tired of saying that, but I am also thankful that people ask and care. I just like to have positive news to deliver.

For the first time, I cried over Liv. Thursday was a rough one for Keith and I in several ways, and as we prayed late that night when we were finally on our way to bed, I couldn't hold back the tears. I think I've been protecting my heart more than I realized by not dwelling on the wait so much, or not letting myself imagine having her home too much. But, the longing and the hurt is there, and working its way to the surface.

I do long for Liv more each month. I am not complete without her. It is hard to explain. She is a part of me, as much as Keith and Koen are. Well, maybe not as much, but definitely a part and a growing part.

We've been DTV 5 and a half months now, and I know there is still a tremendously long road ahead. Please pray for us as we wait. Pray that God will clearly guide us to Liv, and that He will protect her. I am so thankful that He is a Father of the fatherless, and a Defender of the weak.

On a more positive note, Koen participated in his first Easter egg hunt yesterday at church. He enjoyed himself, even though mom won't let him eat all the chocolate from inside those eggs. He's talking even more. There's nothing I can think of he can't say now - except Hummahummanukanukaapuahah (not sure how to spell that) that we were trying this morning. He says "I love you" and can count to ten. He's also learning to sing his ABCs, and Twinkle Twinkle Little Star. We started potty time this week- just to get him used to sitting on the potty- and he actually went peepee in it on Wednesday! He had no idea it came out of him, but we were so proud. We rewarded him with a little animal cracker, which he promptly through in the potty. He's funny. I'm ready for him to be a big brother. Thanks for letting me brag on my little boy.

*And The Wait Begins

The wait officially began for us today. Our dossier came back through our agency today from the Consulate in San Fransisco, and is being sent off to Henry (our agency coordinator on the Vietnam side) in Vietnam this afternoon. We are officially DTV on October 1st! At least October 1st is an easy day to remember, even though I was hoping for September 28th. And Yay, I get to add to our adoption time-line!

Other adoption notes: we applied for another grant this weekend - you can pray they choose us. We also sent off another big check to cover phase II of our payments. The next big payment won't be due until we have a referral. So, we probably have about a year to raise the rest.

Here's some great pictures I found on a fellow blogger's site. They are orphans in Vietnam. Don't you want to love and squeeze one tight?

*Hurry Up and Wait

I was planning to wait until Friday to call the agency, but caved in to my curiosity and excitement and called yesterday, only to be disappointed. I was hoping and praying that our dossier (paperwork) would go to Vietnam this month, and with only two mailing days left, it is looking doubtful, but still possible. I thought our agency sent our dossier to San Fransisco on the 12th, but they didn't until the 20th. I'm not sure why, but I'm assuming some of the paperwork still had to be authenticated at the state capitol. I'm not real sure how it works. Anyhow, I'm still praying it happens in the next 2 days.

We're tired of waiting to start our Wait!

On a positive note, two ladies who are adopting from our agency, and whose blogs I've been following got their referrals yesterday - one a 4 mo old beautiful girl, and the other a 2 mo old handsome boy. Because they're in the north, they should be able to travel in the next month and will get their babies at a young age. How fun!

*Liv's First Gift

Yes, we've decided to call our daughter Liv for the time being - that is until we know who she is and decide on her real name. Liv, stands for Love In Vietnam (the blog title). So, she's not Dot anymore, but maybe we'll change our minds again. It's only a nickname, but it's been as hard to choose as a real name!

Last week friends from our Bible study and I went out for ladies night and painted ceramics together at a shop. Most all of us made things for our little ones, and I decided it’s time for our little girl to have something. Here is my first gift for Liv (a plate/plaque thingy- not perfect, but neither am I):

The quotation is from the poem “The Answer” about adoption: “Not flesh of my flesh nor bone of my bone, but still miraculously my own. Never forget for a single minute, that you grew not under my heart, but in it."

As we near the official beginning of our wait for our little girl in the next week or so, some fears are rising in me. I’m not sure I can even put how I feel into words. There is a lot of me that is very excited, but afraid to get too excited – fearful that my heart will get hurt. Maybe it’s normal to be afraid to get too attached to a child, or a dream, in the adoption process, knowing it can be rocky at times. Yet, I don’t want to deaden my heart. I want to feel in full during this process, and learn all God has to teach me (which I’m sure is a lot!).

Summer is just barely over and we were already itching to get out of the house, so the three of us went to the waterfront for a few hours. Koen enjoyed digging in the sand (of which half ended up in his diaper), pointing out the boats, and attempting to go for a swim. One funny thing he’s doing right now is pointing out airplanes and helicopters when he hears them, and saying “bee, bee!” repeatedly. He has learned the word “bee” from books where there are tiny little flying things with wings, much like a plane looks like way off in the distance. He’s funny. He also got to see two trains go by, to which he excitedly shouted "Choo Choo!" while wanting to be held. He was both scared of and enthralled with the loud and large moving vehicle.

Keith said this morning while I was gone, he and Koen got out the world atlas and were trying to guess where in Vietnam Koen’s sister is, and whether she is even born yet. I doubt Koen has a clue, but we’re trying to talk to him about it already.


He is smart, really!

Triathlon

The triathlon went well. Our team placed 2nd of the relays (the team who beat us were men), and I had a good swim (placing 1st of the women, and 7th overall). It was fun for the most part, but I'm not sure I could ever do the whole triathlon. Not sure my knees could handle it.

Koen's been a little under the weather - having a fever every night lately, and sometimes waking up in the middle of the night really sweaty. During the day he's pretty happy though - just a little tired.

No news on our adoption, but I'm afraid that is going to be the case for much of the next several months. I'm starting to wonder what kind of heartbreak we have applied for - knowing the wait can be so painful, and sometimes people lose referrals to family choosing to keep them, or even to death. There is a little part of me that hopes for a surprise referral in the next several months - way quicker than expected, but that part of me will likely be very disappointed.

I really enjoy reading other's adoption blogs. I added a list of favorite blog links to the left. Feel free to enjoy reading some amazing stories if you'd like.

*2 Weeks

We got an email from our case worker yesterday, saying that they received all our paperwork and that our dossier should go to Vietnam in about two weeks. Please pray with us that all would go as planned during authentication/translation. Once we are DTV (blogger lingo= Dossier to Vietnam) then we begin our official wait which is estimated to be 10-13 months until our referral.

Saturday I am doing the swimming portion of a triathlon (relay style) with friends from church. I am a good swimmer, but we'll see how I do in open water - I hate the thought of there being fish down there!!