As I tried to fall asleep last night I realized that Koen will likely turn 3 before he has a sibling. That was never in our plan. You know how you have a vision of your perfect family, and you know about how far apart you want your children? My vision had them less than 2 years apart. 3 just sounds so old! And, all of Koen's friends have siblings or siblings on the way. It makes me sad for him, but mostly for me.
I guess I had my hopes up that Vietnam could open by 2009, and we could get a referral soon after, and travel in the spring. But, the reality is probably that even if it does open by 2009, we are still way back on the waiting list, and even once we get a referral, it is still several months to wait before traveling to get her.
This stinks Lord! Please move, and open those doors. Give those children forever families. Give one of them to us, please.
I can write about this now, as I am about a month removed. I mentioned some hard times we went through last month. On top of my Mom's cancer, my sister's anorexia battles, and a disappointment in a ministry trip we were looking forward to that fell through, I experienced something I don't think I should have had to experience.
Last September 26th, a Friday, after an evening out with friends, we came home and took a pregnancy test. We were not trying to get pregnant, and were pretty darn faithful in preventing pregnancy, but my period was several days late. During those late days, I found myself beginning to imagine that I was pregnant, and I liked the idea more than I expected to. I put off taking the test, for fear of disappointment. But, I finally felt like we needed to know, and took the test. It read a faint positive. Keith was quite excited, but I was hesitant to rejoice. I needed more proof. I sent Keith to the store to buy another test at 11 pm. This test also read a faint positive, but the instructions said even a faint positive, was a positive indeed.
This was a miracle baby! We weren't trying for it, but God's ways were higher than ours and this was how He was giving us our second child.
I journalled a prayer that night, still hesitant to believe what was happening, and beginning to mourn the change of plans. Would this affect our adoption? Was this why our ministry trip fell through? Was this why we haven't received a referral yet? And fear crept in. I hadn't planned to have another pregnancy now, perhaps ever. Would it be a girl? She wouldn't be Asian, like my vision? Would this be Liv? Could we still adopt Liv down the road? Would this baby be healthy? With adoption, you kind of know what you're getting health-wise. I wasn't sure how I felt about the risk this would be.
But, I prayed about the pregnancy, we prayed about the health of this life in me. We prayed for our adoption, like usual.......
The next day I really began to embrace this pregnancy idea. I got excited. I watched what I ate, and took my vitamins. I drank more water...... I went on babycenter.com, and found my due date would probably be May 30th. Sounded like a perfect day to have a baby. That night we even told our best family friends that we were expecting, and they rejoiced with us.
Sunday morning came and just before heading off to church, I found a light pink spot when I went to the bathroom. Fear again! I mentioned it to Keith, and we rushed off to try to be on time to church. I was distracted, but refused to believe that God would allow anything to be wrong with this "miracle baby."
When we got home, I checked and the blood was undeniable. I checked the internet. I called the on-call doctor, who happened to be my OB. She assured me this was normal. A couple hours later the blood flow was worse. I called again. She sounded a little more concerned and told me to go to the lab in the morning for a blood test. Keith lost hope. I couldn't yet. This was a "miracle baby".
The next morning, I took my blood test. While on a walk with Koen, on a beautiful sunny day, the doctor called to say my hormone levels were so low, that I likely had miscarried a while ago. While she told me this I saw a snake slither away quickly from the forest path we were on (I'm only sharing this because I wonder if it is significant - I never see snakes around here). I wasn't afraid of the snake, like I would have expected. I was numb. I don't think I had totally embraced the pregnancy, and the day of bleeding had already warned me this news was coming. We went on to the park as planned, and Koen gave me a hug.
We let a few people know, and asked for prayer. I cried and prayed, and cried some more. We went on, but the constant bleeding wouldn't let me forget, and I was scared of what I would see come out of me. Was that the baby?
I have faith in God, and that's why this hurts all the more. I believed He would protect this child that He gave us. This wasn't out of our efforts, or plan. This was His. Then after the bad news, I believed that even a miracle baby could survive all this bleeding. My God is big enough. But is He good enough? What a horrible thing to ask. He is good!
Why would he want to add a miscarriage to all the trauma of the last month? If I had waited even another day to take a test, it would have read negative. If I had waited two days, I would have thought it was just a late period, and I wouldn't have had to experience this loss.
Did this make me realize I do want to be pregnant again? No. I don't think this has lead us in any way. If God wasn't using this to guide us, what was it for? That's the problem. I have no idea. I get frantic every now and then to have our second child (like now!). We could have started trying on our own a long time ago, but we believe that God wants us to wait and stick with the adoption road we are on. We have prayed and prayed and He hasn't given me peace about any other option.
A friend, who was also due in May, found out she lost her baby this week. She was entering her 2nd trimester, and likely miscarried several weeks back. When I did the math, I realized we lost our babies at about the same time. I now know a little about what she is going through. I am praying for you, friend, if you read this.
The Lord brought me through last month with the encouragement and prayers of friends and family, and some of His promises, most notably:
More bad news has come in the last week. We continue down this path. Lord, please change things. I don't know how much more I can bear.
Sorry for the downer post. I know miscarriages happen all the time, but the pain is real.
1 comments:
When you posted last month that something painful had happened and did not elaborate, I somehow knew it was this. I am so sorry and we are praying for you. Thanks for all the updates lately, I like to feel like we are still in touch a bit over there. Miss you.
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