*A Few Vain Efforts

Today we tried to get our police clearance – yesterday too. The Mill Creek Police Dept sent us to the sheriffs, who sent us to the county records dept in Everett, where we went today. The lady there had never heard of them doing it for the general public, only their employees, and made some calls for us – to the state patrol, who directed us to a website. We looked at the website, but are not sure this is really what we need. So, we wait for Monday to make a call to our agency with more questions. I ask them a lot of questions!

And, I talked with our social worker today. Sounds like it will take him about 2 weeks to compile our home study, and within a week or so we will do phone interviews. We need to be reading a book that I ordered today as part of our education.

I’m nervous about my passport. It expires next June (08). To renew it I have to send in my current one – so I can’t need it for the next 3 months at least. And, then I have to have the new one’s info added to our Dossier, which I hope is done soon.

Koen’s been happy the last 2 days. It’s nice. But, I feel like my body is falling apart. My ankles have been killing me the last week or so – aching all the time, and it hurts to drive. And then we got a new baby jogger so we’ve been enjoying the novelty of it and jogged for 10 minutes 2 days in a row. My knee hurts again – won’t straiten, and feels like the cyst is back. My elbow and wrist hurt too. I think I have arthritis, and it scares me because I’m only 29. I don’t want to hurt like this for so much of my life. Maybe when I’m 60!

*First Phase of Paperwork Done!

Today we mailed in the last required documents for our home study – the guardianship form, and our employer’s letter from Crusade. Today I feel like I want to get things moving quickly and get our dossier to Vietnam asap, but other days I feel like it could all happen too fast. The reality may be that it is slower than our agency told us. Maybe they are too optimistic. I don’t know. I wonder if a lot of people are coming to adopt from Vietnam because China’s adoption wait time has increased so much.

I stumbled upon a blog of a family that adopted recently through FIA too and they didn’t always seem to have a positive experience with the agency, so that left me with even more concerns. I guess this is where faith comes in. And, I know they can’t make everyone happy and there are always errors.

My sister moved home from Denver today. I look forward to having her be a bigger part of Koen’s life now.


Koen and his aunt

*Will My Child Feel Different?

This weekend Keith, Koen and I went to a Phó Vietnamese restaurant for lunch. It was good and Koen really enjoyed it – especially playing with the chopsticks.

I have been thinking more deep thoughts about adoptions, and feeling a little more scared. A book on adoption is helping me think through some of the difficulties.

I think it will be hard enough for me, as the adoptive mom, to not know about my child’s birth family, or the circumstances surrounding her birth. I can’t imagine how hard that will be on our child – and how “different” that may make her feel at times – maybe lost or without an identity as well. And to have NO way to find out the truth, would probably be frustrating.

I think I’m also becoming a little more aware of how hard it will be on our child to look different from the rest of the family. Everyone will know that she is adopted – it will be obvious when you look at a picture of us or meet us in the grocery store. And some people may say rude things, even unknowingly. I pray that we can instill a confidence in our child, and a value of her beauty that makes her feel comfortable in her skin.

I have never thought it would be hard for me to treat my children the same – birth/adoptive…. But I’ve read some blogs of mothers who looked at their adopted child/ren and saw adoption – knowing and accepting the child as theirs, but still also dwelling on the process they went through. I don’t know if that is bad or not, but it does make it different.

One blogger mentioned her adopted child’s night terrors, and the thought that maybe the child was remembering or reliving something traumatic in their past, that she would never know about or understand, or maybe the child missed home – where they came from. I think it will be a process to not think that whatever sadness or misbehavior a child exhibits is because they are adopted. All children go through stages and hard times, and we can’t assume that it is because they were adopted, but I am sure it is a fear for adoptive parents.

This book also raised a little fear in me that our agency might be corrupt. I don’t think they are – obviously, or we wouldn’t be putting our trust in them – but maybe I would have felt better if we had moved forward more cautiously and talked with more references. I read about people convincing women to give them their babies for money, and then adopting them to rich Americans and making a profit – selling babies. It is weird that it costs so much. I’m not sure how I feel about that.

Keith still imagines twin girls. I don’t, but might be up for it. I’m probably so naïve to write that. I don’t know how we could afford to pay for 2 at once too. And I’m afraid of having 3 kids so close in age – not only for financial reasons, but also because we would be empty-nesters so quickly. I want to extend the joy over time.

*Another Step in the Home Study Complete

We emailed off Keith’s bio last night for the home study, and thought we only had one document left, but received an email that he hasn’t received our employment letters from CC yet. I was looking over Dossier requirements last night and getting a little overwhelmed – not sure about the US government forms and fingerprinting specifically.

Some days I feel a rush to get things done, and others I feel like it’s going to happen too fast and we won’t be ready yet.

Mom is in Colorado right now with my sister (who is severely anorexic). It’s up in the air still if my sister will come home with her in 3 days or stay in a hospital for a bit longer and then come home. It will be good to have her here and know what’s going on and be an advocate for her with insurance and doctors.

I got my haircut today by an Asian woman. I want to ask every Asian where they are from. I chickened out and decided she was Japanese, but as I left I noticed on my receipt that her name was something like Tranh – very Vietnamese sounding, I think. I need to find out if it is offensive to ask Asians where they are from.

On my birthday (the 17th), b.h. (before haircut). I'm 29 now, yikes!

*Reality Check

Today we mailed off all but one last document for the home study. While I am still excited to adopt, I am beginning to wonder if I am naïve. I know little about the Asian culture, and little about the Asian-American culture as well. Our child will be an assimilated Asian American – looking like an Asian to Americans, but feeling like an American among Asians. That is probably a hard place to be, that I know little about. I think there will be more and more assimilated Asian-Americans, especially if we stay in this area.

I enjoy my life right now – only focusing on one child, and enjoying everything he’s learning. I wonder if we are rushing into 2 children. And the thought of adopting twins and having 3 kids so close in age is overwhelming – I think I’m starting to rule out that possibility. I’m not ready to be done having kids so soon.

I read another book about children in Vietnam during the war. It told a story or 2 about each situation the children there grew up in. Some sheltered from the war, others killed or wounded, orphaned and in poverty, refugees with no way to support themselves, street boys. It is devastating to read about. And we caused so much of the pain – but really it was the northern Vietnamese that did. I wish I could have helped. I can’t imagine the pain, and hopelessness.

Now I’m reading one on foster care in the US. It seems like a truly great ministry, and of course needed, but I don’t think I could handle more than one or 2 at a time, especially considering their trauma. And, maybe my heart is too soft for it – to get attatched and then to have them leave. So many loves and losses. Maybe foster care does stink.

Lord, You’ve given us this passion to help orphans. Please show us how and where. Don’t let us waste it. And I pray that you would lead us to our child in Vietnam, in your perfect timing. Please prepare our hearts. I pray that you would lead us to some new friendships with adoptive families that we could learn from and talk with. And I pray that you would prepare us to deal with the struggles our child will have culturally, and any others. Thank you for calling us to this.

*Application Sent - It's Officially Vietnam

We officially applied to Faith International Adoption today – filling out a 4 page questionnaire that was pretty simple, signing a fee schedule, and mailing a $2000 check. We wrote in it that we were choosing the Vietnam program, and want a Female infant. But we also noted we were open to other children, twins…. I know the Lord has a plan and a child out there for us, and I guess I feel that maybe if we keep our options open, He will have an easier job leading us, and we in finding the right child. I don’t want a perfect child, and I don’t want the baby that’s going to get adopted easily (well I do, but....). I want to help an orphan, and take him or her as my own. But, I’m also not sure I’m ready for an older child – as Koen is still only 13 mo, or a child with major special needs.

Lord, we pray that You would guide us to our child/ren, and prepare us for the road ahead, his or her personality and any struggles we may have in raising the child. Thank you for adoption and your wonderful example of adopting us as your own.

I finished reading “Don’t Cry, It’s Only Thunder” in only a few days. It was a very good, true story novel about an American soldier who served in Vietnam during the war, and helped 2 nuns and their orphans find and maintain an orphanage that eventually housed over 100 in 1970. It’s hard to not know the end though – what became of them after Paul Hensler left Vietnam. One girl, Thom, that particularly took to Paul, died by the VietCong late in the book. I sobbed and sobbed. Thom was a beautiful picture of unconditional love even though she was so scarred by what she had seen and experienced. I’ve thought about naming our daughter after her.