*A Little Sad Tonight

As I tried to fall asleep last night I realized that Koen will likely turn 3 before he has a sibling. That was never in our plan. You know how you have a vision of your perfect family, and you know about how far apart you want your children? My vision had them less than 2 years apart. 3 just sounds so old! And, all of Koen's friends have siblings or siblings on the way. It makes me sad for him, but mostly for me.

I guess I had my hopes up that Vietnam could open by 2009, and we could get a referral soon after, and travel in the spring. But, the reality is probably that even if it does open by 2009, we are still way back on the waiting list, and even once we get a referral, it is still several months to wait before traveling to get her.

This stinks Lord! Please move, and open those doors. Give those children forever families. Give one of them to us, please.

I can write about this now, as I am about a month removed. I mentioned some hard times we went through last month. On top of my Mom's cancer, my sister's anorexia battles, and a disappointment in a ministry trip we were looking forward to that fell through, I experienced something I don't think I should have had to experience.

Last September 26th, a Friday, after an evening out with friends, we came home and took a pregnancy test. We were not trying to get pregnant, and were pretty darn faithful in preventing pregnancy, but my period was several days late. During those late days, I found myself beginning to imagine that I was pregnant, and I liked the idea more than I expected to. I put off taking the test, for fear of disappointment. But, I finally felt like we needed to know, and took the test. It read a faint positive. Keith was quite excited, but I was hesitant to rejoice. I needed more proof. I sent Keith to the store to buy another test at 11 pm. This test also read a faint positive, but the instructions said even a faint positive, was a positive indeed.

This was a miracle baby! We weren't trying for it, but God's ways were higher than ours and this was how He was giving us our second child.

I journalled a prayer that night, still hesitant to believe what was happening, and beginning to mourn the change of plans. Would this affect our adoption? Was this why our ministry trip fell through? Was this why we haven't received a referral yet? And fear crept in. I hadn't planned to have another pregnancy now, perhaps ever. Would it be a girl? She wouldn't be Asian, like my vision? Would this be Liv? Could we still adopt Liv down the road? Would this baby be healthy? With adoption, you kind of know what you're getting health-wise. I wasn't sure how I felt about the risk this would be.

But, I prayed about the pregnancy, we prayed about the health of this life in me. We prayed for our adoption, like usual.......

The next day I really began to embrace this pregnancy idea. I got excited. I watched what I ate, and took my vitamins. I drank more water...... I went on babycenter.com, and found my due date would probably be May 30th. Sounded like a perfect day to have a baby. That night we even told our best family friends that we were expecting, and they rejoiced with us.

Sunday morning came and just before heading off to church, I found a light pink spot when I went to the bathroom. Fear again! I mentioned it to Keith, and we rushed off to try to be on time to church. I was distracted, but refused to believe that God would allow anything to be wrong with this "miracle baby."

When we got home, I checked and the blood was undeniable. I checked the internet. I called the on-call doctor, who happened to be my OB. She assured me this was normal. A couple hours later the blood flow was worse. I called again. She sounded a little more concerned and told me to go to the lab in the morning for a blood test. Keith lost hope. I couldn't yet. This was a "miracle baby".

The next morning, I took my blood test. While on a walk with Koen, on a beautiful sunny day, the doctor called to say my hormone levels were so low, that I likely had miscarried a while ago. While she told me this I saw a snake slither away quickly from the forest path we were on (I'm only sharing this because I wonder if it is significant - I never see snakes around here). I wasn't afraid of the snake, like I would have expected. I was numb. I don't think I had totally embraced the pregnancy, and the day of bleeding had already warned me this news was coming. We went on to the park as planned, and Koen gave me a hug.

We let a few people know, and asked for prayer. I cried and prayed, and cried some more. We went on, but the constant bleeding wouldn't let me forget, and I was scared of what I would see come out of me. Was that the baby?

I have faith in God, and that's why this hurts all the more. I believed He would protect this child that He gave us. This wasn't out of our efforts, or plan. This was His. Then after the bad news, I believed that even a miracle baby could survive all this bleeding. My God is big enough. But is He good enough? What a horrible thing to ask. He is good!

Why would he want to add a miscarriage to all the trauma of the last month? If I had waited even another day to take a test, it would have read negative. If I had waited two days, I would have thought it was just a late period, and I wouldn't have had to experience this loss.

Did this make me realize I do want to be pregnant again? No. I don't think this has lead us in any way. If God wasn't using this to guide us, what was it for? That's the problem. I have no idea. I get frantic every now and then to have our second child (like now!). We could have started trying on our own a long time ago, but we believe that God wants us to wait and stick with the adoption road we are on. We have prayed and prayed and He hasn't given me peace about any other option.

A friend, who was also due in May, found out she lost her baby this week. She was entering her 2nd trimester, and likely miscarried several weeks back. When I did the math, I realized we lost our babies at about the same time. I now know a little about what she is going through. I am praying for you, friend, if you read this.

The Lord brought me through last month with the encouragement and prayers of friends and family, and some of His promises, most notably:

"The LORD your God is with you. He is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, He will quiet you with His love, He will rejoice over you with singing." -Zephaniah 3:17

More bad news has come in the last week. We continue down this path. Lord, please change things. I don't know how much more I can bear.

Sorry for the downer post. I know miscarriages happen all the time, but the pain is real.

Pumpkins

Papa, Mama, Koen

Today we carved pumpkins. We got a few smiles for photos, but Koen didn't really enjoy the process until it was all over. He didn't want to touch the "goop." But, he was quite thrilled with his Blue's Clues themed pumpkins.

*Bummer

I was feeling more hopeful, thinking that negotiations were underway as of yesterday, but discovered today, that they have been postponed. Here is what JCICS posted yesterday:

On October 13^th Joint Council announced its understanding that formal negotiations between the Governments of Vietnam and the United States regarding an interim Memorandum of Understanding were scheduled in the coming weeks. It is now our understanding that these scheduled formal negotiations have been postponed.

While Joint Council does not have information as to a new date, we do believe that this is a postponement and not a cancellation of talks.

I'm going to watch more of The Office to escape reality now.

Pray for Sydney

Sydney and her family need us to ask our big God to heal her. She was adopted from China and doctors have found a big tumor around her heart, lung and spinal cord. They say doing surgery is too risky. You can read more about her here.

Lord, it's up to you. Please heal this little girl and let her lead a healthy life for your glory.

*Home Study Update

The condo was almost as spotless as it gets, and our social worker only spent time in the dining room. He was in and out in about a half hour. It really is quite simple to do a home study update, thankfully.

Negotiations were to start today. Please pray for progress and open doors. Thanks!

BTW: Check out my google ads: two potty training entries, and now it's advertised here. :)

The Patch

Here are some photos from last weekend. We went to a pumpkin patch and did a corn maze. It was a cold, but beautiful day. My sister joined us.

Hallelujah!

Koen got the whole potty thing down today! Yay! I am so proud of him. He's good with number one - no accidents at all today. He was completely dry all day! Instead of putting him on the potty every 15 minutes, it was about every hour, and he would sit and go when I told him to. As a reward tonight for being so successful he got to open his new little excavator tractor that has been sitting in the package next to his potty all week. He was thrilled.

Yesterday was day number 3 in potty training and it wasn't going so successfully, so I was wondering if he was really ready or if I should persevere. I'm so glad we did. We'll see how tomorrow goes, but today was good! He did have a number 2 accident, but it was very solid, so no big mess. Koen only goes number 2 about every other day, so we haven't gotten to practice that much.

Now I need to get Koen to tell me when he needs to go, rather than me having to suggest it every few minutes. I'm a little scared about taking him out of the house this weekend. Not sure how Sunday school will work for him. We did go to the park today and he stayed dry there.

*An Update With Little News

My heart started to pitter-patter today when I saw an update from our agency, hoping there was good news. I opened it and found very little new info. The news is that our dossiers have been returned by the government, but will stay at our agency's office in Hanoi. And, negotiations will start on October 27th - that's next Monday. This wasn't welcome news, as I thought they had already started. Oh well - at least now I know a for sure date.

Also next Monday, we will meet with our home study social worker to begin working on our update. Our Immigration Approval expires March 6th, and we need to file a new I-171H form by December 6th to keep it active. This requires a home study update, that costs and entails more than we realized. Are we just wasting time and money?

Oh Lord, please open the gates to Vietnam adoptions again, and soon. Let negotiations be fruitful and effective at cleaning up any unethical practices. Also Lord, please open all the orphanages of Vietnam to international adoptions in this process. Provide those children with loving families. Guide us to Liv. Thank you for your faithfulness. Amen.

Our Potty Party

All this cancer talk and the google ads that are posted on my blog have changed from adoption themed to cancer themed. Let's see if I can get a whole new theme with this post!

Today is the beginning of Potty Training for us. It is also Koen's 2 1/2 birthday. We might celebrate if things are successful later tonight. I am following a book by Gary Ezzo called "Potty Training 1-2-3" and using advice from Dr. Phil's Potty Training in Less Than a Day program. I have set aside 3 days, and have used Baby Tad (Leapfrog) to role play. We are constantly checking to see if Koen is dry, rewarding when he is, and repeatedly getting on and off the potty if he isn't. He gets a double reward when he pees in the potty.

I am tired already, and my back hurts, but we have made progress in only 4 hours. Koen now knows when he is going pee! He can now tell me that he just went in the potty! Before today's rigorous repetition and fluid drinking, he was unaware of that feeling. And, for the most part, he has been happy during this process. However, the amount he pees has varied a lot. Sometimes there is about 1 teaspoon in the potty, and sometimes more like a half cup! If he keeps up the teaspoon amounts, he will need to go several times an hour! Maybe this is normal?

I am also learning that when he says "Mama, no getting me!" or "Mama, do coming in here!" that he has wet himself in his underwear. I'm perceptive, aren't I?:)

He is rather sugar loaded (I'm rewarding with jelly beans and he's drinking lots of juice), so we'll see how his nap goes.

This is new territory for me. I'd love advice if you have any.

Hopefully after nap and tomorrow, he will start to learn that he can control when he pees. We've gone through 11 pairs of underwear in only 4 hours, and I'm doing laundry so I can make it through the evening!

Good News for Mom

We got good news finally. Cancerous cells were only found in the one swollen lymph node of all the nodes removed more than a week ago. Praise the Lord! That means that they likely removed all the cancer, and she will start radiation on time - in a couple of weeks. Thanks for your prayers.

Tagged

Angela tagged me. So now, I share 7 random facts about myself with the world. This is hard to do for someone who does much better when she is asked questions. Here goes:

1. I enjoy pulling my eyelashes and eyebrow hairs out. Weird, yes, but I heard recently that many obsessive compulsive people do this. I am not officially OCD, but then, maybe I am.

2. I have two cats who are quite opposite from one another, and do not get along. They were are first two adopted children. Luby is 6 and her gotcha day was when she was 6 months old. She likes to lick plastic and sleep on my neck at night. She will claw my face until I make room for her, and is quite persistent. She is so great with kids. Harley came home when he was 8 and is a Norwegian Forest cat. His previous mama died of cancer. He is the cutest, softest cat! He only likes me, and we have a relationship like no other. He gives me kisses and has the loudest purr ever. He runs from Keith and Koen.

Luby

Harley

3. I love word games, yet I have a terrible vocabulary. When I was in 8th grade I had a dream in which I had to think of as many compund words as possible. In english class the next day, that was the activity the teacher had us do (sounds like something 4th graders should be doing!). Victory! I've always loved Speed Scrabble and am now addicted to Scramble on facebook. My specialty is 2 and 3 letter words.

4. I was a synchronized swimmer for 11 years growing up and competed with my team around the US. At one point, I held onto the naive dream of going to the olympics. I loved the sport, but didn't have the right build. I trained so much during highschool that it was my social life (no wonder I didn't date until well into college!). I enjoyed working towards a common goal with 7 other fun girls. Those were some of my best memories of childhood. Now I coach young girls with my same club one day a week. It is my social outlet, and I love celebrating in their success.5. I am eating dried fruit right now. I will probably regret it later (can we just say you don't want to be in the same room). And while we're talking food, it may surprise many to know that I, living near Seattle, hate coffee! That is one of Keith's biggest complaints about me. I can't even enjoy the smell.

6. I was valedictorian of my high school class, along with 6 other 4.0 students. This may also surprise you, since I have such a hard time motivating myself these days. I'm not smart. I just worked really hard, and had a compulsive desire to impress others. I am very competitive. Now I live a little more under grace.

7. Last, but not least, all I can think about is The Office (a TV show for those of you who have more than 1 young children). It is hilarious. Keith and I just discovered it, even though it's been on air for several years. Most people love the show for its humor. I appreciate that, but I really enjoy watching the budding romance between Pam and Jim. We've been watching several episodes a night, and are almost done with season 2. I'm not sure what we'll do once we're done. I might have a breakdown. I'm calling Keith right now to see when he'll be home so we can watch more. Maybe I am OCD!That was more fun than I thought it would be. Now that you know too much about me, I must tag some blogging friends:
1. Jennifer
2. Jaimie
3. Meagan
4. Karin
5. Andrew and Amanda
6. Leslie
7. Rebecca

Mom's Surgery

Mom's surgery went fine last week. It was a very long day, as she had to be at the hospital well before dawn, and I usually arise well after dawn :). She came out of surgery in the early afternoon, and the doctor came out to the waiting room to let us know things had gone well. He did say however, that it looked like the cancer had spread to more than the one lymph node. She has no feeling in that area of her neck and lower ear, so she does not feel much pain from the surgery. She is home and getting around, but tired.

She will heal for a few weeks, and then begin radiation. It is scary to think that the cancer could be growing in her now, if it was not all removed. Please pray that she is and will remain cancer free, and for a quick healing.

*JCICS Update

Our agency sent out an update today that included posting from JCICS. It sounds like negotiations between the US and Vietnam regarding adoptions are happening this month. Here's a quotation:

"Joint Council continues to view the suspension of intercountry adoption between the United States and Vietnam as a tragedy for children and for the families willing to provide a loving home for them. We remain confident that an interim MOA is achievable. Joint Council reiterates that considerable steps have been taken by both the Vietnamese and the United States governments toward this end. "

I am still much more antsy during this stage of the wait than I have been before. My heart is longing to hold my next child, and it is hard to not know when I will. But, I am thankful that some progress is being made in the negotiations, and I still hold hope that we will adopt from Vietnam.

Getting Out

We were in need of a break from the stress, and the Lord provided enough sunshine for Mom, Koen and I to head to the pumpkin patch. Koen enjoyed a wagon ride behind a tractor at the farm, as well as hay maze, perfect for his age.

Koen and Grammi (my Mom)

Please pray for my mom's surgery. It's early tomorrow morning. They will remove the lymph nodes in her neck, as well as the surrounding tissue. She will lose the sensory nerves in that area, and have a large incision. It's a much more major surgery that I thought, but the recovery shouldn't take as long as the last surgery. She will then need radiation for 5-6 weeks, starting about a month after this surgery. We are hoping she can be done and feeling better by Christmas, but we will be cutting it close. Pray for faith, and healing. Thanks so much.

Bigger and Boogers

To end the day's blogs on a good note, I'll show you pics from yesterday: Koen's first professional haircut. His hair was getting so long. I kind of wanted him to have the long hair full of body I see on so many boys these days, but it wasn't working on him. So, it's gone, and he looks so handsome, and so much older.

He enjoyed his "hair party" as we called it (mostly because we fed him m&ms to keep him happy), and the lady did a good job not injuring a moving target. Today, while in the car he remembered his hair cut. Here's his monologue: "I'm picking my boogers Mama! (with his finger up his nose) I'm getting bigger, Mama. My hair is growing up! I go to a hair party today Mama?" He's such a cheese.

Before -Do you see our problem? :)

During

After

My handsome boy. He's only 2 and a half!

The Longings of a Mother

Today is one of those days where I just long for Liv. I woke up thinking of her, and haven't been able to forget.

There have been many times lately where I wonder if we will always be a family of 3. I have started to picture Koen as an only child. Not that this would be bad, but it is not what I desire or have imagined for my family. My heart wants to mother more children - especially those who have been abandoned by their birth family.

Why are there so many orphans in the world longing for a mommy, while a mommy sits in her cozy little home in WA state longing to love them? Why is it so hard to get to them? I am tired of learning whatever God has for me to learn during this wait.

I believe my desire is from the Lord, so we continue to wait for our adoption to be completed. We pray daily for Vietnam to reopen. We pray that God will guide us to our children, wherever they are.

Would the Lord give me this desire and then have it go unmet?

I need to feel like we are making progress, yet no news comes.

Just talked with my Mom, and the cancer has spread to the lymph nodes in her neck. She will have surgery again next week and then start radiation soon after. I thought we were through the worst of this, but apparently not.

Lord, we need good news. Please bring it quickly.

*What a Difference a Year Hasn't Made

That's a downer of a title, isn't it?

Today is ONE YEAR since our Dossier went to Vietnam and we started our official wait for Liv. We are in a far different place than we thought we would be a year ago. We've only made it about half way up the waiting list, and now, of course, adoptions have come to a halt. We are unsure if Liv is even Liv (Love in Vietnam), or if she is somewhere else.

We have made a few minor efforts this last month to pursue other routes, but the Lord has not allowed us to move forward, and had not guided elsewhere. So, as long as we continue to seek Him and do not hear from Him, we must stay put.

We had another very discouraging thing happen this last weekend, which we will share with you down the road. Our hearts hurt and we wonder what God is doing. I like to make sense of things that happen, but I suppose my mind is too finite for our omniscient, omnipotent God.

What does one do to mark this anniversary? I blog.

I am asking the Lord to make this month, October, a better month for us - to bring good news, and hope.